Inner Diary: Odin Lowe
by Kurai Atreides
Summary: Just a further exploration of Odin Lowe's thinking of his life with Heero during Episode Zero


Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine. The characters are used in this fanfic for entertainment only.

Author's Notes: 

This fanfic is based on Episode Zero, Act 3: Heero Yuy, of which translation is made available by Gundamwing.net. Therefore, it contains some spoilers. 

According to my understanding, Heero was named 'Heero Yuy' after Episode Zero and it seems that I'm unable to find exactly what Odin used when he called Heero during Episode Zero. He always addressed Heero as 'you'. I have to choose between 'boy' and 'Junior' but I think the former is more appropriate. If I'm mistaken, please advice.

This fic was written almost a year ago but I just decide to post it now. Comments and criticisms are welcome. 

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Inner Diary - Odin Lowe

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By Kurai Atreides

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Today is out last day, the end of our living together. I plan to drop you here at Colony X18999 for you to live a normal life, to go to school just like other children do, and to desert your past. I decide that it is the right time to let you go, after I've taught you all the things you need for surviving alone by yourself.

You tell me you can decide by yourself and your face shows no feelings. What are you thinking? What's inside your head? Do you hate me now? For having planned to abandon you like this for some time already? What would be your last words when we say goodbye? How would you feel when that time really comes? And how would I feel?

I push those tremendous questions aside. I have to first think about the mission on hand. But then, I can't. 

I want you to live peacefully. I want you to forget your torturing past during the time before you met me, forget those painful things that can for good be your nightmares and forget me as I'm the only link between your past and present. You have to go on living without me or you'll never be able to abandon your past. If we're still together, every time you see me, I'll remind you of the time I picked you up and after that it'll remind you of the horrible moments before it. The moments you lost your family and had to face several horrible experiences when you were still a street rat. Besides, my path of life is too dangerous for me to keep you near.

Boy…come to think about it, I've hardly seen you smile for all the time we've spent together. Your smile is rarer than any treasures. Something that is ordinary for a boy at your age becomes something that is hard to get from you. Instead, smirking has become your bad habit. Nonetheless, I have no right to blame you for that. How often I smile at you myself? I guess there're not so many things in our lives that are enjoyable enough to worth our smiles, are there? If you're having such a thought, you're mistaken.

I've seen you growing up every day ever since you decided to live with me. Those were the times when something inside my heart I've suspected if it existed began to reveal itself to me. Many times when I look at you, I smile. I wonder if my face looks so funny when I do that because you give me a puzzled face when you look at me. Maybe it isn't a smile in your feelings after all. However, if ever my face isn't smiling though I think I'm doing it, I know my heart is doing so. Life is very enjoyable, indeed.

Behind you, I see the smoke of the battlefield; from you, I smell the scent of powder. No matter how one tries to struggle away from it, it may be too arduous to succeed. Sometimes I ponder if it is the right thing to raise you up like this. I was a little hesitant when I decided to teach you to use a gun for the first time because I knew there would be no turning point from then on. But I have no other choices. So as to make you survive against all odds, this is the only way I can help you. So as to be able to live as your wish, you must be strong enough to lead your own life. If you're weak, it means you have to live differently. You have to live the life others lead you whether you'd like it or not. Live the others' lives, in other words.

'Live according to your emotions…That's the proper way for a person to live…' That's what I teach you during this mission. The last teaching from me…Behind the cold mask you wear, I know you're still human, even much more human than anyone, than me.

Before me, your mask slip away and you let me see your emotion. You can't hide it from me. You have neither need nor intention to. Though it doesn't show on your face, I can read it. I know your heart is as pure as crystal, as fragile as glass yet at the same time strong and determined. You can live a path of life as rightly as one human can do. At least that's what I believe. I don't want you to regret not acting on your feelings like me. My hands are too stained to be cleansed. My shoulder is too heavy for me to even manage to stand. My sin is impossible to relieve. The sin for altering the flow of history…the flow of destiny.

If it were possible, I would look after you until you grow up to be a man. I wonder how your life would be when your life cycle wheels you to a teenager, a man, a father, a grandfather, whatever it would be. But that is, only if it were possible.

After I'm shot by Dechem, your little body rushes to me. Your body shines as if you were glowing. Your determined face looks so cute. Ah, what nonsense am I thinking? A father spirit creeps to me all of a sudden? I always wonder what would be in my head the day I die. They say the past will flood into one's head so much that it's almost impossible for one to take when one's dying. I thought I would think about all my past sins when the day came. But I was wrong. I can only think about you now. Think about those days we spent together…

No matter what I said to you, all these years with you have been the most wonderful moments this old man could ever have. As you may think that you may not be able to survive without me, the fact is I may not be able to survive as a human without you too.

Thank you for your company. Thank you for keeping me alive.

That single word you called at the gate of this colony made my heart so bright. Dad, huh? How it made me feel so glad though you might just call me that because it was said so in the contract.

Live, boy. From afar I'd be watching you.

My son…

~Odin Lowe


End file.
